mind VS feeling am I officially weird now? What a weird, strange, nerve-wracking and not pleasant trip. My ego or my brain tells me that this is not normal. My feelings are very strange and I can’t stop reasoning. Twin flame? The one who just walked away from me? The one who broke my heart and soul? Is that twin flame the one who suddenly became cold and chilly in his last messages to me? Is he supposedly supposed to be my twin flame? I didn’t understand it, and to be honest, I still find it strange.
mind VS feeling am I officially weird now? I know that I can and want to reason out everything. Want to know everything, even the annoying. In the past (Gee, that sounds like a long time ago) I had a period when I wanted to know everything about death. No, I had to know. I wanted someone to tell me exactly what would happen when you closed your eyes for the last time on this earth. Written in black and white, preferably. So I could read it a few more times. The fact that this was not possible was a frustrating period for me.
mind VS feeling am I officially weird now?
Death, the great unknown. I was well aware that I was afraid of the unknown. That was true of everything in life, I was a scared child and wanted reassurance. Reassurance that everything would be okay. During that time, my grandfather passed away and a few other people in my life. I was raised religiously and believed that people would go to Heaven. But what was Heaven? What did it look like? Could you breathe there?
And did you see your loved ones again or did you have to search among all the other souls? And the main fear was… What happens when you close your eyes. When are you really going to die? Are you in pain? Do you see light? Are there Angels with you? I was so scared and wanted reassurance. So that fear of the unknown has always been in me.
My brain refused to believe
That something happens in life that you can’t reason out. That there are certain things going on in life that you have no control over. Terrifying. Literal. Every night I was terrified that I would wake up during spooky hour. How scary it seemed to me to see and experience the inexplicable. I don’t know why I would make it difficult for myself, as a child. Anyway, back to my twin flame journey.
This is also an experience that is so shocking. An experience that is beautiful, loving and all-encompassing.
And when saying goodbye, it can cause you to end up in a DNOTS. How could this exist? My brain refused to believe this, but… My feelings were there. They were real and I couldn’t hide them. What is it? That we humans are so eager to explain everything? Why is our mind so eager to interfere with everything? Is it fear or is there more to it? Are you allowed to feel what you feel in this life or are you afraid that you will be considered a strange bird. I also really think that society puts a lot of pressure on you. Actually, in high school, you are expected to make a choice about what you want to do professionally. Of course, there are people who know immediately.
Firefighter, working in television or surgeon. But me? No, I didn’t know. I had no idea what I wanted to become. Was I a perfectionist? Yes, absolutely. But the problem was that I always did what others expected of me.I was so insecure and an anxious child. If you lack self-confidence, it’s hard to break out and blossom into a butterfly flying out of its cocoon. The guts are lacking, there just isn’t enough self-confidence to trust yourself.
Mind VS feeling
So I relied on the opinions and insight of others. So I started denying myself, in a way. My mind and ego have been leading in my life. As long as I had that ready, nothing could go wrong in life.
Until a moment comes, so overwhelming. So mindblowing. You are touched at soul level and you find recognition. And you find yourself in many areas. You find recognition in someone, and it is unfathomable. I thought it was love, but somewhere deep down I knew it was much more.
And I have to tell you, that’s scary. It would be overwhelming for everyone. You have no idea what hit you, but you step into that wonderful whirlpool together. I was able to give my brain and ego a rest, what an overwhelmingly nice feeling. My heart and soul were completely filled. It should always be that way.
Until the moment came, that I read the last few messages from him. They became more and more distant and colder towards the end. I was panicking and started to experience such pain.
My feelings defeated my brain
How could he let me down like that? After everything we had experienced together. Twin flames? I had never heard of that before.
No matter how hard I try to reason out my feelings, I can’t. I wanted to put them away, that intense feeling of overwhelming pain. My ego decided to step in and get mad at myself. How can I have so many feelings for someone? Am I that weak? Do I really not have a shred of self-respect?
I felt like I was going crazy. My longing for him, for his voice, for his jokes were so overwhelming. I was angry with both him and myself. What a mess. While I was getting the biggest shock of my life, I got my very first DNOTF. (Dark night of the soul). My brain didn’t participate anymore. My feelings had the upper hand and I had the feeling that I was being sucked in. I wanted to climb out of here and all I could think of is that I wanted to read information. I wouldn’t be the only one with this feeling, would I? And I started writing. I entrusted all my feelings and thoughts to paper, which is how this blog came about.
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