Mind vs. Feeling — Am I officially weird now? What a strange, confusing, and nerve-wracking journey this has been. My mind, or maybe my ego, keeps telling me: this isn’t normal. My feelings feel so odd, and I can’t stop overthinking everything.
Twin flame? The one who just walked away? The one who broke my heart and soul? Is that really my twin flame? The same person who suddenly became cold and distant in their last messages? I don’t understand it, and honestly, it still feels so strange. I know I’m someone who wants to reason everything out, I want to understand every detail, even the uncomfortable ones.
Once upon a time (well, it feels like ages ago), I went through a phase where I had to know everything about death. I needed to know exactly what happens when you close your eyes for the last time on this earth. I wanted it all spelled out clearly, black and white, so I could read it over and over. The fact that no one could give me that answer was deeply frustrating.
mind VS feeling am I officially weird now?
Death—the great unknown.
I’ve always known that deep down, I was afraid of the unknown. It wasn’t just death; it was everything in life. I was a scared child who craved reassurance, a promise that everything would be okay. During that time, my grandfather and a few others close to me passed away. I was raised with religious beliefs and trusted that people would go to Heaven. But what was Heaven really like? What did it look like? Would you see your loved ones again, or would you have to search through countless other souls?
And the biggest fear of all was… what happens when you close your eyes for the last time? When do you truly die? Is there pain? Do you see light? Are angels there with you? I was so scared and desperately wanted reassurance. That fear of the unknown has always been a part of me.
My brain refused to believe
Sometimes in life, things happen that you just can’t reason out. There are moments beyond your control, and that can be terrifying, literally. As a child, I was afraid of the “spooky hour” at night, terrified of what I might see or feel that I couldn’t explain. I don’t know why I made it so hard for myself back then.
But now, back to my twin flame journey. Looking back on my twin flame journey, I realize it’s really the same thing, something unknown, something you can’t explain. Patterns and fears from my past rise up again. The fear of uncertainty, the fear of the unknown.
The fear of being abandoned, and oh, my fear of rejection and not belonging. It all came rushing back when my twin rejected me. My mind thought my feelings were ridiculous. And honestly, my mind has often rejected my feelings. But now, going through the Dark Night of the Soul, there was no way to escape it anymore.
mind VS feeling
Why do we feel the need to rationalize everything? Why does the mind try so hard to stay in control?
Is it fear… or something deeper? Are we truly allowed to feel what we feel, or are we just afraid of being seen as strange, too sensitive, or different? I also believe that society puts a lot of pressure on us, especially when we’re still so young. In school, you’re expected to know early on what you want to do with your life. Sure, some kids know right away.
But many of us don’t. Firefighter. TV producer. Surgeon. Those were the types of clear answers people seemed to expect. But me? I had no idea. In fact, I was a fearful child, afraid of the outside world because my inner world was so sensitive. So sensitive that I didn’t even know what I liked or who I really was. And that fear also kept me from being who I truly wanted to be.
I had no idea how to break through my own armor,
to reach the real me beneath it all. I was a perfectionist, and I just kept doing what others expected of me. An anxious child who longed for approval. When you don’t believe in yourself, it’s hard to break free.
Hard to become that butterfly who dares to leave the cocoon and fly.
Because you don’t yet have the trust, the self-confidence, or the inner safety to choose your own path.
Deny myself
So I started relying on the opinions and insights of others. In doing so, I began to deny myself, my own voice, my own truth. For most of my life, my mind and ego were in charge. As long as I could think things through and stay in control, I felt safe. Nothing could go wrong, right?
Until one day, something happened. My twin flame walked into my life, and everything began to shift. Something so overwhelming, so beyond reason, it shook me to my core.
I was touched on a soul level. I recognized something… or someone. And in that recognition, I also found parts of myself I didn’t know I had lost. I thought it was love, and it is, but deep down, I knew it was so much more.
And honestly? That’s terrifying. Anyone would feel overwhelmed.
You don’t know what’s happening, but you step into this magical whirlpool together. For the first time, I could let my brain and ego rest. What a beautiful, relieving feeling. My heart and soul felt full, completely alive.
It felt like this is how it’s meant to be. Always.
Until…
I read his last few messages. They became colder. More distant. I panicked. And that’s when the real pain began to rise.
My feelings defeated my brain
How could he let me down like that?
After everything we had shared, everything we had felt. Twin flames? I had never even heard of that before. No matter how hard I tried to reason away my feelings, I couldn’t.
I wanted to suppress that overwhelming pain, push it down and pretend it wasn’t there. But my ego stepped in and turned on me instead.
“How can you feel this much for someone? Are you really that weak? Do you have no self-respect at all?”
I felt like I was losing my mind.
The longing for him, for his voice, his jokes, his energy, was unbearable.
I was angry at him. At myself. At everything.
It was chaos. I completely lost myself and started to panic.
It reminded me of earlier times, those moments from the past when panic would hit out of nowhere.
mind VS feeling am I officially
But this time, my ego couldn’t save me.
No logical reasoning, no inner pep talk was going to pull me out of this one.
I was drowning in emotions. It was like being stuck in a very dramatic soap opera… except I was the only actor, the director, and the crying audience.
Honestly? It was blind panic. Chaos. And nobody could save me. (Not even chocolate.) And in the middle of that emotional storm, I was hit by something I’d never experienced before: My first real Dark Night of the Soul.
My brain stopped cooperating.
My feelings took over, and it felt like I was being pulled into something much deeper than heartbreak.
I wanted to escape it—but I didn’t know how.
So I did the only thing that gave me a small sense of control:
And I began to write.
I poured my feelings and thoughts onto paper, and that’s how this blog was born.
