Dark night of the soul: What is happening to me? Why am I feeling so lost, sad, alone and do I feel this intense pain?
For a week now, I’ve been feeling confused because I’m getting into a fight with my online lover. I didn’t know at the time that he was my twin flame. I did know, and so did he, that we thought each other was very special. Never before have we had such a strong connection and attraction to each other. It was as if a magnet drew us together every time. As if we couldn’t help it, but the magnet was getting stronger every day. As a result, our connection became stronger every day. The fight started because I started to feel insecure. I felt insecure and he started to feel so much guilt.
Guilt because he has a wife and child and he loses himself in me and our dream world. And I started to feel so insecure, because I wanted to get away from my boyfriend and I wanted to be with my lover. We got into an argument online, which could only take place online because we had never met in real life. That was our greatest wish and the desire became stronger and stronger every day. The argument escalated and he suddenly told me that he didn’t feel anything for me anymore. He was completely closed off from his feelings for me. Unexpectedly. Suddenly. My world collapsed, and my heart crumbled at lightning speed. It broke into 100 thousand pieces. It was so intensely painful, it was like my soul was breaking in half.
Dark night of the soul: what is happening to me?
Doubt took possession of me and quarreled with me. An inner struggle between my feelings and my mind. How could I be so stupid as to lose myself in this man like that? How was it possible that my feelings were so intense for him? While I should be sad because my relationship wasn’t going well. I should do everything I could to save my relationship.
Still, the tears kept flowing. The desperation left me with so many questions. My heart kept sending tears as my soul broke in half.
“I’m so sorry this has to end like this. But I don’t feel anything for you anymore. I can’t fake my feelings, we’ve always been honest with each other. I wish you the best. Goodbye”.
I kept repeating his last words via the app. Apparently, I had the feeling that I didn’t understand it properly. I was angry with him, and kept reading his words back. Did I miss things? It was an oversight? Have I been too demanding? If only I had held back in terms of feelings, then this would not have escalated. Then we would still be in touch now. And again came that intense pain. That loss, that emptiness that drove me to despair.
Dark night of the soul; Really?
All I could do was read. I am someone who likes to figure out everything. I don’t take anything at face value but I couldn’t place this intense sadness either. My brain couldn’t handle this, such intense grief where it seems like my heart and soul were torn in half. What is this? I wanted to find out. He and I had already figured out that we could be twin flames. Everything I could find about it, I shared with him. Not in an obsessive way, but more in the sense of: “look how bizarre a coincidence, here is exactly the same description of what we experience together”.
With this information in mind, I started reading and I started at twin flames.
The information made me dizzy, it was so much and maybe a bit too much. I had actually only read the nice stuff, such as the enormous attraction to each other. Wanting to share everything with each other, to the extreme, missing each other. The direct intense connection. As if we had known each other all our lives. But I hadn’t read any further, I didn’t know that a divorce between twin flames was actually normal. I first read about a dark night of the soul. Also abbreviated as DNOTS. I started reading and it was as if I could have written it myself.
DNOTS, Dark night of the soul
What are the symptoms
1. Emotional turmoil
Emotional turmoil manifested itself in literally not being able to find peace anywhere. I tried to distract myself as much as possible, but nothing worked. Every second of the day I felt that restlessness. The only way I felt a little calmer was while exercising every morning. In the afternoon I took a long walk in nature, where I finally got to relax a bit. I noticed during our short relationship, that I could tell that I was on a roller coaster of emotions. A kind of pleasant whirlpool from which I could hardly escape.
But I clearly felt that I was now on that roller coaster again. I found myself in that whirlpool of emotions again, but a pool of negative emotions. Deep sadness, intense pain in heart and soul, anger and despair. The emotional turmoil made me feel like the ground was collapsing under my feet. I struggled to hold my own.
2. Disconnection and disinterest
I no longer felt connected to the biggest part of myself. It seemed as if I didn’t know who I was anymore and how my life was going to go. As if I had come to a halt after being sucked in by an intense vortex. Spinning from the intensity.
I didn’t feel much love for myself or for my current partner. My love wasn’t what it used to be, because we were already having problems.
I was more in pain for the loss of my secret lover than I was for my partner. I wanted to be with my secret lover. That was what I longed for. He had lit the flame in me and he was the one I wanted to be with. I was so restless and I felt completely disconnected from a lot of things that I used to enjoy doing.
3. Vivid dreams or nightmares
You may experience vivid dreams or nightmares during this dark night of the soul. Your subconscious mind processes your DNOTS in this way.
Normally, I always know what I’m dreaming. I like that because I can have strange dreams, which I could often laugh about. You probably know it, a dream in which all kinds of strange things happen. Dreaming happens in your subconscious, and it’s a super way for your mind to process everything.
It seems that it is precisely in the separation phase of your twin flame that you can have vivid dreams or nightmares. Many people also see this as their twin flame that will guide you on a subconscious level.
How I would have loved to have seen my twin flame in my dreams. The special thing is that for 3 weeks I have not been able to remember a single dream. I do know that I had nightmares every night. So intense, that I woke up my partner a few times a night because of my inner turmoil.
4. Sensitivity
You may experience increased sensitivity, where you can become more sensitive to everything in your environment. The emotions of other people, sounds, or even the energy of certain places. This can lead you to want to isolate yourself or withdraw from social activities. You just feel that you want to spend time alone.
It is as if you feel that this time alone will bring you answers. It can look like a depression, but it’s completely different. I once had depression, and this was completely different. I once read that the DNOTS is a spiritual depression. And I think, No, I am sure, that that is what it is. A spiritual depression.
5. Synchronicities
Before I met my twin flame, I kept seeing the numbers 111 and 1111.
I had no idea what it meant until I started looking into it. It represents twin flames, trust and manifestation. In the few months I spent in my bubble with my twin flame, I didn’t see as many of these numbers anymore. I started noticing them again by the time more negative tension arose between us.
Since the first day of our seperation, I see them every day. Synchronicities can be different for everyone. Actually, number patterns are the most common synchronicities I read in other people who also have a twin flame. It often indicates that you can have faith in your path.That you are supported on your journey and that you are never alone.
6. Your own shadow
You gain insight into your own shadows. There is no other way out than to look at your own shadows. You can’t get away from it, you can’t do anything else. This separation with your twin flame is so painful, because you miss him/her. But also because you are now confronted with your deepest fears, insecurities and traumas from the past. It is the reason why it is called the dark night of the soul because it exposes shadows that have been pushed away.
Your consciousness did not want this to come to the surface. Facing it and healing your wounds is very difficult and heavy, but it is the only way to get out of this. Your twin flame journey has a reason, you don’t go through it for nothing. Be aware of 1 thing very well. No matter how difficult and tough it is, you are never alone and you can handle it!! I’m going through it at the moment, and somehow I know it’s good that I’m working on myself. My shadows may be looked at and healed.
7. Ego transformation
Your ego transformation is a profound and transformative process, in which you automatically let go of your ego identity. Your twin flame has awakened you on an energetic level so that you know again what your real purpose is on earth. As a result, you also notice that you want to organize your life differently. Many things no longer resonate in your life, and you feel the need to rearrange your life.
Your ego is no longer so important to you, you are now more focused on your heart. What do I want and what makes me really happy? There are people who end their relationship or quit their current job. There are also people who sell their houses and go on trips. They want to listen to the voice of their heart now, perhaps for the first time in their lives. It can be a scary process, as you may experience resistance. But always keep listening to your heart, as it is an important sign of deep spiritual transformation and healing.
Dark night of the soul: DNOTS
It really is a very emotionally charged period. Be patient and kind to yourself in this. You are in the process of a transformation and you are going to heal yourself on a deep energetic level. It feels like you’re a butterfly that’s still in a cocoon. You are in the process of transformation to break out of your cocoon and fly away.
Freed from your shadows and filled with love.
The “Why” question still comes up regularly in my head. Why is this happening to me? I don’t think I can answer this question until I’m further along on my transformation journey.
While I now know a lot more about this whole process, I have more peace of mind, yet I am not sure if I would have wanted to experience this. But on the other hand, if I’m being completely honest….
I wouldn’t have missed the encounter with my twin flame for the world. He really is the best thing that happened to me. Despite my pain, the loss and the anger that I sometimes feel with him. I feel that I love him so much, and I am grateful to him for touching me on an energetic level.
Secretly, I would also like him to wake up. Waking up in the world he lives in. I actually don’t want him to suppress his feelings (anymore). And on the other hand, I love him so much that I understand his side as well. I think he feels so much for me that he can’t use those intense feelings right now. He is married and has a child and lives in another country. I myself am at the beginning of my healing process. So you might notice that I can’t let go of it (completely) yet. It’ll be part of it, I think.
Love yourself times 1000
I want to wish you strength, light and love on your path. You will never get anything on your life path that you can’t handle. As difficult as this may be, try to be grateful somewhere within you, that you are given this opportunity. The chance to heal your wounds and your pain. To start listening to your heart and to become lighter. To gather love for yourself. That is what it is all about in the first place. The love you feel for your twin flame, you may start to feel for yourself. Times 1000. ❤️
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